(Sophie sits on a train alone. She is, or has been crying.)
I never thought it would end up like this. Sitting on a train, bawling my eyes out while the love of my life is on the other side of the country. I promise you, I didn’t plan this. I swore off men.
I don’t hate them, I have nothing against them, but they’re not for me.
I…it wasn’t a conscious decision. It never is a conscious decision. It shouldn’t be. When you lose someone, you need time to yourself. Time to breathe, time to realise who you are, and what you were before them, figure out who you are now.
We all change.
That’s the point of life, right? To change. To grow, like a tree: bud, flower, bear fruit, take in the sun and die.
Don’t get me wrong. Dying’s not bad… I mean, yes, it’s bad…but it’s part of life, you know? It’s part of this stupid life and why can’t I get him out of my head? (She laughs) Did you see that? I’m sitting here, passing time on a train and my thoughts go from death and dying – not the happiest of topics, to how long I have to wait until he’s back.
How long I have to…
someone told me that heartsickness – that deep, pounding feeling you get when you want to rip your heart out of your chest because the feeling of your nails piercing your skin would be less painful than what’s inside you? – you know, heartsickness. Well, someone told me we feel that because one day, the people we love will be gone, they’ll be dead, and we’ll still be here so our bodies try to get us accustomed to the pain by giving us small doses of it throughout our lives. I also heard that pain is just a mild electrical signal going through the brain it’s not really real really there it’s just a survival mechanism.
So the next time someone says ‘just get over it’ to you, because you love someone and they’ve left you, or they’re not there, you tell them what I’m saying now:
If your heart hurts, if you feel pain because you don’t have that person, it’s your brain’s electrical signals, and those feelings are just as real as if someone chopped off your arm. (With unexpected force) So bugger off and let me feel what I’m feeling. Because it’s gonna keep happening.
Have you ever seen someone crying while they’re on their way somewhere? Have you ever got on a train, or a bus, or been walking through the park and seen someone sobbing their heart out silently? Did you go to them? What a world we live in that most people out there wouldn’t stop to find out if someone’s okay. Yeah, of course you’ll help a lady with her shopping, if she’ll let you, or help a blind man with his guide dog on the escalator, but with tears? No one knows what to do. Something holds us back. It’s like now. On this train. (Beat. She looks around)
There’s no one here. No one here next to me. No one sits next to you because they don’t think you want to be sat next to. They think you’d rather be alone. Well right now, I could do with someone.